Collateral Damage
by Muzzy-Olorea
Summary: -JL- Set after ‘1.23 Red John’s Footsteps’. He saw the half-smiley face drawn in her blood and his world fell apart all over again.
1. What If

**Chapter One: What If**

_**Disclaimer: The plot's mine, just borrowing the rest.  
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**And if this be our last conversation  
If this be the last time that we speak for a while  
Don't lose hope and don't let go  
Cause you should know  
If it makes you sad  
If it makes you sad at me  
Then it's all my fault and let me fix it please…  
_**Safetysuit – What If**

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"Are we fighting?"

Lisbon stared at the road ahead and let his question hang there, swelling up in the silence. By the time they had dropped Maya Plaskett off and finished the paperwork with the remaining members of the sheriff department, it was getting dark again. She hadn't slept in over 36 hours and after the events of the past day, the last thing she wanted to be doing was driving for two hours alone with Patrick Jane.

"Because it feels like we're fighting."

His tone was light and he was somewhat relaxed, at least on the surface. In the space of a few hours Jane had managed to repress the dark agony of having killed someone and let Red John slip through his fingers again and was now choosing to act like this had been any other case. She hated him for it.

"You're angry." He said, as if resigning himself to the truth. "I save your life and you're angry. Kind of ironic, don't you think?"

Lisbon gripped the wheel tighter, willing herself not to rise to the bait. It was a cheap shot, even for him, and she thought back bitterly to all those times she had saved his life but had never used it as leverage even when she was on the edge of losing her patience with him. He knew just as well as she did that was not why she was annoyed and yet he was goading her, determined to have this talk tonight.

"Regretting that decision are you?" She said quietly. She knew they were both too volatile to head down this road right now but the more tired she was, the more her patience and self-control waned. "Hardy could have led you straight to Red John."

Jane noted the use of the pronoun. You. She was separating herself from him. "Your optimism is commendable, Lisbon, but you know as well as I do that he would never have given up anything useful."

"You don't know that. He could have said something to a cellmate; even the tiniest clue could have helped."

Lisbon didn't really believe that and yet she was pushing this anyway. It was his fault really for bringing it up; it was a low blow especially for him but he was tired and full of disappointment and her silent anger had been suffocating him. Like so many other things in his life, by the time he realised it was mistake, it was too late to take it back.

"Lisbon, you really think I would ever choose Hardy over saving your life?" The truth was there had been no choice involved: he had seen Hardy move and he had reacted instinctively. He didn't even have time to process what he was doing and it was only afterwards that the gun had felt like a foreign object in his hands and he had been overcome with nausea. He didn't regret it though, not for a second.

It was not until five minutes later after they had turned off the highway into a small residential district on the outskirts of Sacramento that she spoke again.

"You would choose Red John over me and the rest of the team." She said. She knew it was true, and yet a small part of her held her breath in the hope that he would deny it.

Jane stared out of the passenger window and held onto the side as Lisbon turned a corner too sharply, probably on purpose. Of course he wouldn't, not rationally, but even he could admit he wasn't in control of himself when it came to Red John.

"And that's why I can't do this." Lisbon said pulling the car over to the kerb and putting the brakes on.

They were still half an hour out from CBI. "It's okay. I'll drive." He said, hand on the door, ready to swap places, and it was only after she had turned off the ignition that he realised she wasn't talking about driving at all.

She turned to face him for the first time in the past hour and a half. Whilst he obviously seemed to be able to distance himself from everything that had happened in the past day, she had been replaying it all in her head, over and over again like a bad dream. Everywhere she looked she saw Hardy pointing the shotgun at Jane followed by Hardy pointing a gun at her and she felt her chest tighten, making each breath an effort. She was aware that the threads of self-control were quickly slipping out of her grip. "I spent half my childhood trying in vain to get my father to see that he had more to live for than self-pity and revenge. I'm not going through that again."

Jane had been so caught up in his own selfish despair that he had failed to understand Lisbon's fury with him until now. For a brief few seconds he'd allowed himself to consider the possibility that her anger was proof of just how much of a connection there was between them, but as much as their banter and her blushing was one of few things that helped him through the day, he wasn't delusional enough to think that their gentle flirting and teasing was anything real: he was complicatedly unavailable and she was far too rational for emotional crushes. The realisation that he was inadvertently making her relive her childhood suddenly put her anger into stark perspective. "I'm not asking you to Lisbon."

She stared at him. She wasn't offering. "Can't you see that by being so carefree with your own life, you're giving Red John exactly what he wants?"

He looked at her sadly. She was right, of course. "You don't know what it's like. Wanting revenge."

Lisbon glared at him, eyes blazing. She hated feeling like this, so angry that she was barely in control. She wished she could just flip a switch and get Jane to snap out of the self-pity and martyr mode and she could go back to being irritated by his smug smile and his unpredictable behaviour. "I don't know what it's like?! You think I didn't want to hunt down the drunk driver who killed my mother? You think I didn't blame him for my father's death and for the fact that he almost killed me and my brothers too?!" She blinked, hardly recognising her own voice and trying to tell herself that the tears in her eyes were simply due to exhaustion. "I've been both sides of the fence and damn if I'm going to let this happen again. I'm not going to watch someone I care about with no respect for his own life self-destruct and leave me sitting on the sidelines feeling guilty. If you want to be reckless, selfish and irresponsible you can go do it without me and the rest of the team. I've had enough. I won't be left to clear up the mess you leave behind, and I definitely won't be your collateral damage."

There was silence. Jane had never seen her like this and he was suddenly aware of how tough the last few days had been on her as well as him. Every time a case didn't go their way it seemed like a little part of her died. She had a God complex, worse than most cops. He had seen the way she had hugged Maya when they rescued her and knew that was the one moment that made all the hell she went through worth it. She wanted to save everyone, including him, and the thing that undoubtedly hurt her most was his telling her he didn't want to be rescued. He had already asked so much of her, he shouldn't have voiced the one thing he knew she could never give. "Lisbon …"

"Don't." She snapped. And just like that the defences she had built up around her had collapsed. She wasn't sure of much but she knew she couldn't be around Patrick Jane right now. "Don't." She repeated, a little quieter, pressing her fingers against her forehead, trying to repress the beginning of a headache. "Just get out."

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Jane woke early the next morning to see that it had dawned sunny and bright, almost as if the gods had convened to spite him on purpose. Lisbon's outburst in the car yesterday had been weighing heavy on his mind and he realised that seeing her so broken had truly rocked him to the core. He had no doubt that if he hadn't pushed her to breaking point when she was already emotionally and physically exhausted, she would never have said half of what she had said. Yet in his selfish frustration he had, and for the first time he had seen his tortured soul mirrored in her and he had woken up this morning deeply aware that no amount of artistically shaped paper animals could make up for how much he had hurt her.

As for himself, his armour was dented but not broken and although he could see Hardy's bleeding corpse staring at him every time he turned a corner, he had managed to convince himself that that was infinitely better than the alternative.

Having decided that bringing everyone doughnuts and coffee was the least he could do, Jane left his house, stopping briefly to pick up the newspaper from his porch. 'SERIAL KILLER EVADES COPS AGAIN.' Disgruntled, he threw it into the trash can without even opening it and as he turned around to head towards his car, he was confident that this week couldn't possibly get any worse ….. and that's when he saw it: a small cross pendant on a gold chain hanging from his mailbox, glowing in the morning sun.

**A/N:- Thank you for reading. Feedback's greatly appreciated.**


	2. Red Rain

**Chapter Two: Red Rain **

_**Disclaimer: The plot's mine, just borrowing the rest.**_

**A/N:- Thank you for your reviews so far!  
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**_I am standing up at the water's edge in my dream  
I cannot make a single sound as you scream  
It can't be that cold, the ground is still warm to touch  
This place is so quiet, sensing that storm  
Red rain is coming down  
Red rain  
Red rain is pouring down  
Pouring down all over me …  
_**Peter Gabriel – Red Rain  
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Six years ago when he stood at the top of his stairs reading the note taped to his bedroom door an icy coldness had gradually enveloped his body until he had felt that he was literally frozen with fear. In something akin to an out of body experience, it seemed like someone else, not him, had reached forward to open the door and forced him to cross the bridge from overwhelming dread to crumbling realisation. Seeing Lisbon's necklace had triggered the same reaction and he barely remembered getting into his car let alone driving full speed across town.

It was only when he stood on Lisbon's porch with her front door slightly ajar in front of him that everything started to come into focus and as his stomach churned and his heart thudded, he braced himself and gathered all his inner strength to push open the door.

The lounge was a mess. The settee had been shoved to the side, the television knocked off its stand, glass was smashed, chairs overturned. Jane stepped inside. Photo frames, books, papers were strewn all across the floor …… and there on the floor directly in front of him was a small pool of blood and on the wall above it, half a smiley face drawn in blood. He felt the bile rise and crouching over, he gagged.

Jane was still crouched over taking deep breaths when he heard a car pull up and Cho's voice calling him. He couldn't remember, but he must have called him sometime during the drive over. By the time his three colleagues had entered the house, Jane had managed to regain some sort of composure and watched silently as they took in the scene before them.

"Oh God." Cho said quietly and no one said anything as Van Pelt ran out and emptied her breakfast in next door's hedge.

Within fifteen minutes the local cops and forensics had arrived but Jane knew better than to hope that they would find anything of use. The blood was surely Lisbon's and even if Red John had left his DNA behind, it would be of little help. The four of them stood in Lisbon's living room silently helpless, each of them wishing they knew what to do next, hoping that the inhibiting shock would wear off soon and they would be roused into action by Lisbon's calm, authoritative voice.

"Why did he only draw half a face?" Van Pelt asked quietly, her face as pale as Lisbon's walls.

"Probably ran out of time, got interrupted." Cho answered brusquely.

"No, it means she's still alive. For now." Jane said. "With Lisbon, he'll want to have his fun with her first. He'll torture her, both physically and emotionally. It'll be slow and nasty." Jane said, recalling Hardy's words and trying to face up to the truth. The other three gaped at him, numbed at the fact he could say such horrible things so calmly.

"How did you know?" Van Pelt swallowed, like she was afraid that saying it aloud would make it all the more real. "How did you know that he had taken Lisbon?"

"He left this hanging on my mailbox." Jane said, showing them the necklace he still had clenched tightly in his fist. His hand was shaking but if the others noticed, they didn't say anything.

"It's evidence. You should give it to the techs."

Jane stared at her. He knew that when Van Pelt was in shock her one comfort was in the rules but she knew as well as he did that there were no prints or DNA on it except Lisbon's and even if there had been, they would have been wiped off long ago. Besides the thought of handing over the closest thing he had to Lisbon at the moment was more than he could bear. Clutching it tighter, he suddenly found the adrenaline rush he needed and walking down the hall he found what he knew he would find taped to Lisbon's bedroom door.

_"Dear mister Jane,_

_You took something from me so now I am taking something from you. She'll suffer so much that you'll wish you had let him shoot her._

_This is the endgame, mister Jane. Are you ready to play?"  
_

He handed it wordlessly to Cho who read it out hurriedly to the rest of the team.

"They way he doesn't mention Hardy's name and the 'something' shows that he saw Hardy as an object, a possession, rather than someone he actually cared about."

"Maybe Red John did care about Hardy. I mean it's hard to not feel some sort of connection with your partner no matter how twisted they are." Van Pelt said.

"Unless of course you're a sociopath." Rigsby pointed out.

"He's not a sociopath." Jane said quietly. Normally he would have been the one to start the analysis but the words of the letter had been swimming round his head. She'll suffer. She'll suffer. _She'll suffer_. "He may not be broken up about Hardy's death but he understands feelings. He sees all this as a game and I am his opponent, just as obsessed with hunting him down as he is with avoiding capture. He's exploiting my weakness." How could he have been so blind not to see this coming? How had it never occurred to him that Red John might use Lisbon to make him suffer?! The others were looking at him questioningly and taking a deep breath he continued. "I didn't join the CBI for altruistic reasons. I wasn't there to make friends or to help the greater good by hunting down criminals; it was the only way I was going to get the information and resources I needed to hunt down Red John. After what he did to my family, I didn't expect to care about anything or anyone again. I didn't expect to care about the victims, you guys … Lisbon. Caring is my Achilles' heel and the one thing that distinguishes us, the one thing he can use to destroy me. And now he's exploiting my capacity to have those feelings and he wants to take away everything from me like he did last time." He paused. "'Endgame' suggests that this was part of his plan all along. It was always going to end this way. He'd done his research, knew Lisbon's routine, probably started planning this months ago."

"He had to have known about Hardy's death before it was on the news in order to get here and set up his plan." Cho pointed out.

"Yes, he was there, watching. He saw me shoot Hardy. He was probably hiding in the fields somewhere and then disappeared before the search teams could reach him. He hadn't planned to kidnap Lisbon last night but with the capture of Hardy we've moved his timeline forward. That's the only edge we've got on him." Jane was pacing now, managing to dredge up just enough hope to cover the despair. His motivation was contagious.

"We should start by going through the victim's .." Cho paused. He was having a hard time processing what had happened to their boss. "Lisbon's home."

"We don't need to do victimology, we know why he chose her." Rigsby said bluntly.

"But if he's been stalking her, been in the house maybe there's something."

"You really think Lisbon's going to want us going through her stuff?"

"I think she wants us to do whatever it takes to save her."

"Cho's right." Jane cut in. "But so are you Van Pelt. We shouldn't all invade Lisbon's privacy so I'll do it alone."

In a universal display of loyalty to their boss, they all looked like they wanted to object but couldn't; they knew he was the best at reading a crime scene.

Cho tore his eyes away from the blood red smile and reluctantly took the reins silently handed to him. "You two question the neighbours. Hopefully someone will have seen something last night." He instructed Rigsby and Van Pelt. "Minelli's in the office trying to keep this out of the news. I'll check in with him, put out a BOLO and reach out to other agencies. We're going to need all the help we can get."

With everyone else out of the house, Jane read the crime scene, replaying what had happened last night. Lisbon would have come home late last night, absolutely exhausted, probably still angry … what's the first thing she would do? Jane looked at the cabinet by the door and opening the drawer he found her gun, badge and car keys. Red John had been inside, waiting for her but she hadn't realised anything was wrong until she entered the living room and by that time it was too late. The fact that there were blood drops all over the carpet told him that he had stabbed her first, probably superficially, allowing her to fight back for awhile before he overpowered her and stabbed her again and again.

He looked at her bookshelf. It was in disarray at the moment but he knew Lisbon would have kept it meticulously ordered: the first two shelves were full of books, both fiction and non-fiction, alphabetised by author's name, then there was a small collection of CDs, including The Rolling Stones' entire back catalogue, and DVDs, most of which he guessed belonged to her nieces and nephews apart from the odd black and white old movie. Then there was a shelf that to anyone else would have seemed like a place simply to store random odd things but he knew it was something of a shrine to her work life …… It was full of presents from previous Christmases and her last birthday … the yoga mat, the voucher, a photo of the pony in her office ….. photos … Jane looked around and saw that amongst the stuff on the floor were several photo frames that had once sat up on the shelves or hung from the walls. He picked them up: all of them had the glass smashed and their photos removed.

Jane walked out of the house. "Have you spoken to her family?" He asked Cho.

"Minelli's notifying them now."

"I think we need to bring them under 24 hour protection to be safe."

Cho nodded. He didn't have to ask why.

Rigsby and Van Pelt walked up the path to join them, their faces white, unable to look at Jane as if they had personally failed him. The search had turned up nothing. One neighbour remembered seeing a dark van parked outside yesterday evening but couldn't give a license plate or a description of the driver. The CSIs were moving in and out of the house now and the locals were expanding their search parameter, more for procedure's sake than in hope of finding anything useful.

"So we have nothing." Jane said quietly. It didn't surprise him that they didn't have a single lead to go on but somewhere deep down he had been silently praying for a miracle. He crouched down and rested his head in his hands, trying to hold it together. Why was it that the one time he needed it the most, he was unable to figure out what their next move should be?!

"Jane, it's not your fault." Rigsby said, breaking the silence.

Jane stood up and turned to face him slowly. "Can you really look me in the eye and tell me that?"

"If Lisbon were here she would tell you the same thing."

He had touched a nerve and the others knew it. There was tension in the air and his colleagues looked like they were getting ready to duck for cover but the sad thing was the only person he wanted to punch at the moment was himself. He forced a hollow laugh at the hopelessness of the situation. Lisbon's words yesterday ran through his head louder than before. "I know you mean well Rigsby," he said, keeping his temper in check. "But I'm not one of your victims' families: you don't need to lie through your teeth to try and make me feel better because until Lisbon is standing here telling me to stop being stupid and childish herself, nothing you say is going to work."


	3. All I Need

**Chapter Three: All I Need **

_**Disclaimer: The plot's mine, just borrowing the rest.**_

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**Guess we both know we're in over our heads  
We got nowhere to go and no home that's left  
The water is rising on a river turning red  
It all might be OK or we might be dead.  
If everything we've got is slipping away  
I meant what I said when I said until my dying day  
I'm holding on to you, holding on to me  
Maybe it's all gone black but you're all I see  
You're all I see …_  
**Mat Kearney – All I Need**

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One night, when she had been two months shy of her seventeenth birthday, Teresa Lisbon and Alexander Hamilton, the boy next door, had taken some of his parents' liquor, sneaked off to the woods across town and stayed out the whole night. That had been the extent of her teenage rebellion. Three weeks later, her father had killed himself and in an instant she had grown up and become a parent to her two brothers. Anyway, the morning after that night in the woods, she had woken up feeling like someone had driven over her head with a steamroller and then proceeded to hammer nails into it. Right now, she felt exactly the same way, and for the briefest of moments she thought she was back there in 1989 wondering whether her alcoholic father woke up every morning feeling this rough.

"Teresa. We meet at last."

She barely registered the fact that someone was speaking. All her concentration was going into trying to overcome the spinning sensation and the feeling that she had done a couple of rounds in a tumble dryer. She tried to open her eyes but as the pain rushed at her, she quickly shut them again and tried to put the pain into context: driving home alone, putting away her gun ….. Her blood curdled as it all came back: the hand over her mouth, the knife at her neck, the voice in her ear telling her to be quiet. She remembered struggling, furniture overturning, the knife scratching her wrist, her arm, and then the absolute searing pain just below her chest followed by a sharp blow to the head.

Forcing her way through the wall of pain, she opened her eyes. Everything was blurry but when things started taking shape she found herself staring at Patrick Jane's smiling face, and for the briefest of moments she felt something akin to relief, before realising she was staring at a photo. Next to it was Van Pelt's face, then Rigsby's and Cho's, and she recognised that they had all been ripped from the same photo that she kept on her bookshelf at home. It was of the five of them and the pony. Minelli had reluctantly agreed to take the photo before ordering Jane to "remove the live animal from the building immediately." Rigsby was trying to climb on top of the pony, Van Pelt was half scolding him, half laughing, Cho looked bemused, she herself was feeding it a carrot whilst Jane was looking at her and grinning.

Lisbon looked further along the wall. Next to the faces of her team were the photos of her family: her brothers, her nieces and nephews and then two newspaper clippings about her mother's death and her father's suicide.

Feeling that her whole life was closing in around her, Lisbon felt the overwhelming urge to get up and run but when she tried to move, she found that her right hand was handcuffed to some metal pipes on the grimy walls. She looked down. Her wound had been sloppily patched up but her blouse was sodden with blood oozing through the gauze and the ever increasing pain made her feel like she was about to pass out at any moment.

As if he could read her thoughts, she felt something move in the dark next to her and then a sharp jab in the arm. He had injected her with something. She thought it was probably a sedative and she almost looked forward to the onset of nothingness. She might have been born a fighter but she knew a helpless situation when she was in one. However, instead of feeling welcome drowsiness, her body suddenly felt numb and her head cleared. What was that? Painkillers mixed with a hint of adrenaline?

"I have to say I've been looking forward to this moment: my chance to see what Agent Lisbon, the unspoken hero of the CBI, is really like underneath it all."

She strained her eyes, struggling to see him through the dark. Normal instinct would have been to ask who he was, why she was here, what he wanted, but such questions were unnecessary in a situation in which she knew all the answers.

She heard a few footsteps and then a figure appeared before her in the wafer thin light. She could tell they were in a basement of some sort, maybe a store room given that there was only a single light bulb in the whole room.

"I hope you realise you're one of the privileged few who get to meet the man behind the name." He moved closer. "Surprised that I look nothing like those grey-haired men with taut faces and glasses that grace your profiling textbooks?"

She didn't give him the pleasure of seeing it but she _was_ surprised. For someone who had killed so many people, she had expected him to be older but he could not have been more than mid-forties and instead of a distorted face with scars and bad teeth, he looked like the kind of brown-eyed, sandy-haired guy who could convince anyone to buy insurance or cable with a simple smile. She could have seen him on a bus, in a shop, even in the CBI building and not given him a second thought. Somehow this made it all even worse.

"Mind you, I guess if I had passed your father in the street I wouldn't have pegged him for a killer either."

Lisbon felt anger stir inside her as if he had just crossed yet another line, just when she had been sure there weren't any lines left to cross. "You might think I am sick and twisted but it takes a certain kind of man to dose the house in gasoline and set it alight whilst his three children are asleep inside."

He was standing by the wall now, running his fingers over the newspaper clipping with a small smile on his face, like he was getting immense pleasure from reliving her childhood.

Lisbon seethed. Hours of therapy drumming into her the fact that there was nothing she could have done to save her father, hadn't stopped the nightmares. Even now, years later, she woke up in the middle of the night thinking that she could feel the heat from the flames pressing against her, the smoke in her lungs and then the arms grabbing onto her, holding her back, stopping her from running back inside to get her father.

He was moving along the wall now to the picture of Cho. "'Mother Teresa' Agent Minelli calls you at the office. It's common knowledge that you have a compulsive need to take in agents that need … shall we say….. fixing. Agent Cho, for instance, does the CBI have a habit of recruiting cops with a juvenile record, or just those whom the military has supposedly reformed? His social skills or lack thereof meant he was red-flagged from the beginning and yet you went out of your way to persuade your senior agent that he was a good fit, even before you had earned the right to make that decision."

Lisbon did not say anything. Her mind was racing, simultaneously wondering just how easy it had been for him to get all this information, and vainly trying to think of a game plan.

"Then we have Wayne Rigsby, who some might say, has more brawn than brains. Didn't he already have several strikes to his name for being too rough with suspects before he came to you? Yet all you saw was the victim of an overbearing, abusive father. Was it the Daddy issues that drew you to him?"

He paused, and then turned towards her as if trying to read her reaction. Lisbon closed her eyes and tried to stay calm. Her goal was to say as little as possible for as long as possible. She knew that he was trying to provoke her, that he got off on anger, fear and seeing her suffer, and since she didn't have much hope in getting out alive, she wasn't about to give him any more pleasure than she already had.

"And then, last but not least, there's the beautiful red-headed Grace Van Pelt, my kind of woman. You may not be able to read people the way our friend Patrick Jane can, but you can spot a wounded soul a mile off. Grace has never told you what happened to her but she doesn't need to: underneath that hard-working, ambitious exterior you can see the internal bruising, and, yes, it is just as every bit as bad as you suspected." He smiled at her as he went in for the kill. "What does it say about someone who surrounds herself with people whom she's helped patch up, whilst she is struggling to hold it together herself?"

Lisbon stared at him defiantly. She wanted to use her last bit of strength to scream at him and tell him to leave her family and her team out of this but she knew he was playing with her, like a cat does with a mice before eating it.

"You know, for a long time I thought about having Grace as my pièce-de-résistance, after all, imagine what fun I could have had with her. Then it occurred to me that I was just being selfish. When it was time for the final act to come, it shouldn't be about me at all, it should be all about our friend Patrick Jane and the only thing that could possibly top slitting the throats of his wife and daughter, is having him know that I've got his precious Agent Lisbon and there's nothing he can do to save you. Yes, yes, he cares for you more than you believe he even has the capacity to. Ironic, but if you both hadn't been so focussed on futile attempts to catch me, you might have actually seen past the façades you both put up and noticed it."

His words washed over her and she doubled up in pain. She felt so nauseous that if she had anything in her stomach, she would probably have thrown up multiple times. The walls were slowly closing in around her.

He stepped closer, his voice more menacing and threatening than before. "Hard to believe that there are some things you can't fix isn't it? You couldn't fix Patrick Jane and that's why you're here. You failed, Teresa, you failed where it mattered most, didn't you? Didn't you? How does it make you feel that it's because of Patrick Jane that you're here right now?!"

He grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, but she barely felt it. "ANSWER ME."

Patrick Jane. Lisbon closed her eyes. With the pain she was in right now, both physically and emotionally, she just wanted blissful unconsciousness to take over. Patrick Jane. She drifted back to the Carnelian Inc. case when he had stood so close and looking her in the eye, told her he would be there for her no matter what. That had been the moment, the moment when a fantasy life had flashed before her displaying everything she couldn't have and everything she would never admit she wanted. Her stomach had been in knots and doing the trust fall had actually been a welcome distraction. She might not trust Patrick Jane not to disobey her or not to manipulate her, but she did trust him with her life. No matter what happened, she could be sure that he had tried his hardest to find her.

"I wish I could see his face. If only he could see us now." He laughed and reaching forward, he tilted her head up, forcing her to look into his eyes. She wanted to scream or spit in his face but it was a struggle even to breathe. Her mouth had a metallic taste in it and her chest felt heavier. She could see the pool of blood around her growing. She felt light-headed and the room began to spin slowly again.

"Still nothing to say? Nothing about your precious Patrick Jane?" He was getting irritated now and she braced herself for the worse. "You and I are not so different Teresa, we both fight until the bitter end, we both like to pretend we're God, we both have a weakness when it comes to Patrick Jane…..."

His words seemed to her to get fainter and fainter until there was nothing except silence ………

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Lisbon didn't know whether it was minutes or hours later but when she regained consciousness, she found herself alone. She was weak and could barely move but her eyes darted around the room frantically. If she could just somehow muster up the strength to find a way out of the cuffs, then at least there was a chance for her to go down fighting ……

"Not thinking of leaving already Teresa?"

She froze. It was too much effort to even find the energy to care any more, she just wanted it to end.

"Never mind, I'm sure I can entice you to stay. I know how having someone to save makes you feel happy so I brought you a gift."

Lisbon turned round. A blonde-haired girl, no more than twenty, stood there with a knife at her throat, shaking with fear, her eyes silently pleading for help that Lisbon couldn't give.

"Got anything to say now?"

**A/N:- Hey guys, thank you for reading. I'd really appreciate you telling me what you thought as I've never written a fic quite like this before, not to mention a multi-chaptered one. In case you're wondering why I didn't describe or characterise Red John too much, it was on purpose. I wanted the focus to be on Lisbon and what he was putting her through rather than the 'big reveal' of who RJ really is.**


	4. On The Coldest Day In Hell

**Chapter Four: One The Coldest Day In Hell**

_**Disclaimer: The plot's mine, just borrowing the rest.**_

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**If I falter, my soul I'll sell  
On the coldest day in Hell  
I'll never let you down  
How can I tell you now?  
But only Heaven knows  
I won't let you go.  
I dream of demons through the night  
A restless fever till morning light  
My body's cold, my head's on fire  
Give me back my life ..._  
**Asia – On The Coldest Day In Hell**

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Jane sat at Lisbon's desk, his fingers passing aimlessly over her photo frames, her stationery, the stack of unsigned reports that had been piled up on her desk since they had left for San Angelo. Whilst the others were in the bullpen following pointless protocol in the vain hope of uncovering a lead they all knew Red John was too clever to leave, he was hoping being in her office would somehow magically endow him with real psychic powers and an idea of where she was would suddenly come to him. The irony cut him deep.

He looked down at the small cross in his hand. This had been Red John's intention all along. Hardy had said it was to lure him somewhere so they could take their time with him and kill him slowly but that had never been the plan at all. Face to face, he couldn't hurt Jane in the way he was now. The sense of helplessness, the feeling that his superiority and invincibility had been cracked, the knowledge that once again he was the reason someone he cared about was in pain, was torturing him in a way that no physical pain ever could. Red John was smart; he could read people almost as well as Jane himself could. He had in some way managed to pinpoint something so small, something so tiny, that it was only just palpable when he and Lisbon were alone together, after a case, sitting in the empty bullpen eating cold pizza and he tried extra hard to make her smile. It wasn't anything, not really, but seeing her face light up because of something he had said or done made him feel alive again. The moments of happiness were so brief that he had never given it a second thought but somehow Red John had seen something between him and Lisbon that Jane had barely noticed himself. Lisbon was his weakest link and Red John knew that Jane would do anything _any thing_ to get her back.

"_Machado is our bait, he's our tethered goat."_

_"And too bad if the bait gets killed?"_

_"Well, yes."_

Thinking back to that conversation he had had with Lisbon a few months ago made his stomach turn. Lisbon was the bait this time. If Jane took it then it would probably seal her death, if she wasn't already dead, and probably his as well, but there wasn't any alternative. She was the collateral damage in this deadly duel and it infuriated Jane that he had completely failed to see what danger he had been putting her and the team in when he brought Red John into their lives.

Jane kicked the waste-paper basket across the room in frustration and then let his head fall into his hands. Maybe if he didn't care so much he would be able to focus better. Someone somewhere needed to know something. Rosalind either didn't know anything or she was lying for him, Hardy was dead ….. who was left who had had contact with Red John? Maya Plaskett. She might have only seen Hardy but she had been kept in the cellar in Red John's farm so she had to know _something_. Jane flicked through the notes taken during her debrief. There was a bit about what Hardy had said to her about being his wife and the supposed life they were going to have together but there was nothing about seeing or hearing another man. Of course, that didn't mean she didn't remember, or he couldn't make her remember.

Jane grabbed his jacket and walked into the bullpen where Minelli was rallying the others. The boss looked like he had aged ten years in the past twenty-four hours. He and Lisbon had worked together when she had still been a cop and he had been the one to encourage her to join the CBI and had mentored her ever since. Jane knew he was feeling the crushing weight of responsibility for what was happening, almost as much as he himself was.

"I need to go back to San Angelo to talk to Maya Plaskett." The others stopped what they were doing and looked up at him in the hope that he had a lead. "It might be a dead-end but I need to try."

"Take the chopper." Minelli said without asking any questions.

It used to be something of a long running joke in the department that they never qualified to have use of the helicopter since the victims they dealt with were usually already dead. Helicopter-envy was the last thing on anyone's mind at the moment.

* * *

The flight, which was only about half-an-hour, seemed to Jane to go on forever. He was only too acutely aware that every minute that passed by was one more that Lisbon was suffering. He spent the time obsessively running through the facts they had on Red John. He had every detail memorised and yet he still hoped beyond hope that some lead would jump out at him. He was still thinking about everything Hardy had said when he arrived at the Plaskett's house. The weird feeling of déjà-vu didn't fail to hit him as he stood on the porch and rang the doorbell.

Mr Plaskett opened the door, looking none too pleased to see him. Jane couldn't blame him; he had lost one daughter, nearly lost another and been accused by Jane of murdering them both. "Mr Jane. What can I do for you? I was told that if there were any follow up questions they could wait a few days until Maya has recovered?"

"I know, I'm sorry, but this is urgent." Jane said quickly. "I need to hear everything that happened in your daughter's own words."

"She told you she doesn't know anything."

"I believe that she does and even the tiniest detail could help us."

Mr Plaskett looked like he was going to object again when Maya and her mother appeared behind him.

"It's okay." Maya said quietly. She looked better than Jane expected for a girl who had been kidnapped and was still suffering from the shock of her sister's murder and seeing two men get shot right in front of her. "Where's Agent Lisbon?"

Jane looked away slightly. That was the question he had been dreading. He had hoping they could avoid it but of course this she would prefer to talk to the agent she had a connection with.

"Something's happened hasn't it?"

"Yes, can I come in?"

Mr Plaskett stood aside and Jane was led silently into the living room.  
"A man, Sheriff Hardy's partner, has taken Agent Lisbon." Jane said.

"Red John." Mrs Plaskett confirmed.

"Yes, I'm hoping that Maya might be able to help us find her."

"What can I do?" Maya said calmly.

Jane took a seat next to her on the settee. It was an ironic twist of fate that meant only a few days ago he was here to help this family and now he needed their help. "I'd like you to tell me everything that you remember."

"That isn't much. And I never saw anyone else except ….." she trailed off as she couldn't bring herself to say his name. "Him."

"I know but you might know more than you think. If I help you relax then-"

"You want to hypnotise her?" Mr Plaskett said, jumping in defensively. "Look, I'm sorry about Agent Lisbon but has it ever occurred to you that Maya's probably better off not remembering?"

Jane ran a hand over his face. Lisbon had been good at convincing people to do what she wanted in a calm, efficient manner and he wished he had her gift right now. Yes, he had his charm but not a lot of tact, especially when the people were not disposed to like him in the first place. "I wouldn't ask if there was any other way."

"It's okay." Maya said, turning to her parents. "I'm alive, Emma's dead. Whatever I remember, whatever happened can't be worse than that." She said, hugging her mother before turning to Jane "I'm ready."

Jane nodded. "Okay, I need you to relax …" he started. He had done this hundreds of time he could spiel it all off in his sleep. Five minutes later he stopped talking and checked that Maya was in a trance state.

"I need you to think back to Monday night. You and Emma were out with your friends and then you were walking through the park."

"I hear a noise. I tell Emma to stop. She tells me to stop being silly. Then there's a flash of light – a torch. I see a man in uniform. I think it's a park ranger. I feel relieved. Then I hear Emma scream and something hits me over the head." Maya said, flinching as if she could feel the blow again.

"Let's move forward Maya. What's the next thing you can remember?"

"I'm alone. My head hurts and I ache all over. It's dark, I'm in a basement of some sort. There's a man staring at me. It's him. Sheriff Hardy. I think he's there to rescue me but there's a weird look on his face. He starts talking about our life together. I ask after Emma and he laughs. He's leaning forward and touching my hair." Maya said shuddering. "Suddenly there's a knock on the door. He leaves. I can hear someone else. They're talking but I can't hear anything they're saying. I'm scared but there's no way out of this room…….."

"I need you to hold this moment in your mind, you can hear people talking so zoom in on the voices. You can hear what they're saying now Maya."

"I-I-" She stumbled before it cleared in her head. "The other voice is a man's. He says he has work to do at the mine but he'll be back before Hardy has to leave for the Sheriff's office."

"Good, Maya, that's good."

"Then Hardy comes back in and I scream and struggle but he slaps me and injects me with something. I think it's a sedative. The next thing I see is you and Agent Lisbon. She tells me everything's going to be alright."

Jane leaned forward and patted her gently bringing her out of the trance. Maya looked tired and shaken. Her mother moved next to her and wrapped her arms around her protectively.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help more." Maya said.

Jane stood up and forced a small smile. "You've helped plenty, thank you. I'll see myself out."

"Mr Jane?" He turned. "I hope you find her."

Jane nodded slightly and walked out into the fresh air. Projecting calm to hypnotise Maya when all he wanted to do was scream at the world had been really tough. His head ached with tiredness and trying to find a way to stay positive was draining his energy. "Mines" didn't exactly narrow it down much: there were hundreds of them all over California alone, covering thousands of miles. If Red John had access to one of them it would be the perfect place to hide and never be discovered.

He had just pulled out his phone to pass on the information to the others when it started ringing and Cho's name started flashing on the Caller ID.

"You need to get back here. A girl's gone missing and there's a face drawn in blood on her abandoned car."

**A/N:- Reviews are, as always, greatly appreciated! :)**


	5. Running Up That Hill

**Chapter Five: Running Up That Hill **

_**Disclaimer: The plot's mine, just borrowing the rest.**_

**A/N:- Thanks to all of you who have reviewed. I actually didn't realise how dark I was making this until I read all your reviews telling me so! Then I went and wrote this chapter. My normal fluffy Muse seems to have gone AWOL and been replaced with this dark and twisty Red John one. Anyway, it all needs to happen for reasons that will become clear, even if I hate torturing my favourite characters like this. Thanks for being patient with me. :)**

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**_And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road,  
Be running up that hill,  
Be running up that building.  
If I only could, oh..._  
**Kate Bush – Running Up That Hill**

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_Lisbon turned round. A blonde-haired girl, no more than twenty, stood there with a knife at her throat, shaking with fear, her eyes silently pleading for help that Lisbon couldn't give. _

"_Got anything to say now?"_

"Don't hurt her." Lisbon said. Her voice was shaky and raspy and she barely managed to get the words out. Just when she thought it wasn't possible for anyone to cause her any more pain, she realised that had just been wishful thinking. The feeling of helplessness was worse than the physical pain and Red John knew this.

He laughed like that was the reaction he had expected. "That's what I thought. Try and protect her. You don't know if she's even worth saving, she could be a criminal for all you know."

The girl was trembling, her eyes crying out for help. Lisbon couldn't bear to look at her.

"What do you want?" Lisbon asked.

"What do I want?" He asked himself, almost jovially. "I'm getting everything I want right now. It's nothing personal Teresa, it's not your fault you just happen to be the one person Patrick Jane and his band of merry men would jump through fire to save." He laughed then, as if he'd just cracked a joke that only he would understand.

"I think the most thrilling thing about this game is the fact that I don't actually want anything means that I will always win: I'm not looking for a ransom like a hostage taker or a chance to go down in a hail of bullets like someone suffering a psychological breakdown …. There is entirely nothing anyone can do or offer me to make me stop. That, Teresa, is what gives me absolute power and control."

Lisbon clutched her stomach, vainly trying to apply pressure to her wound. When she first joined CBI she had been sent on a course for a week run by the BAU at Quantico. She knew from the first moment she first woke up in this hell hole that he was the rational, cold-blooded, calculated, highly-intelligent killer. The fact that he felt like he needed to state this himself was an insult to her intelligence.

"You're already getting what you want then. Let her go." Lisbon said fiercely, faking defiance with her last bit of energy seemed to be the only thing left to do.

"Where would the fun be in that?" He said before pushing the girl out of his arms and across to the other side of the room. She immediately crouched in the corner, wrapping her arms around her knees trying to stifle her cries.

Lisbon watched as Red John put down the knife and picked up a crow bar. "We're going to play a little game, Teresa." He said and with that he hit her across the chest. She groaned and fell back against the wall. Someone was screaming, she didn't know whether it was her or the girl. "It's an experiment in heroism versus self-preservation. Just say stop and we'll let our friend Jessica here take some of the pain."

It was definitely her who screamed this time. Combining mind games with physical torture was some twisted way of seeing whether it was her mind or body that broke down first. She cried and tried to crawl into a ball as he hit her again. And again.

"All you have to say is stop. Come on Teresa, are you really willing to die to save someone you don't even know?"

* * *

By the time Jane arrived back at CBI, it was bustling with police and agents from just about every agency, all of them throwing around one possible plan of action after another, each one as futile as the last. They all turned to look at him as he walked past and he didn't even need to see their half-accusing, half-curious looks to know what they were thinking. It _was_ his fault, he _had_ done this to one of their own.

"'Mines' doesn't exactly narrow it down." Rigsby said as he, Van Pelt and Cho stood crowded round a geological map of the state. "Do you know how many abandoned mines there are in California? Not to mention we don't even know if a mine is even where he's keeping Lisbon."

"How many mines are there within a fifty mile radius of where Jessica Thompson was taken?" Jane asked. They all turned and looked a little unnerved to see him standing there. Jane felt like he was a kind of radioactive time-bomb that everyone was scared of being around and he couldn't blame them. He felt like he was losing control.

"Three." Cho answered. "The FBI have got their choppers flying out from San Francisco to see if they can pick up any heat signals on the infra-red radars. We're off to see Jessica Thompson's parents now and to see the crime scene. You coming?"

Jane shook his head. "No."

"You always want to visit the victim's parents." Rigsby said surprised, as he and Cho grabbed their guns from their desk drawers.

"Not this time." And in response to their questioning looks, he continued. "I can't honestly look them in the face and promise to do everything I can to save their daughter when I know if it comes down to a choice between her and Lisbon then ……" He trailed off. "Besides, it's not like they're suspects."

Cho nodded. "The FBI should be ready within the hour. They're starting with the nearest and working out. You and Van Pelt stay here in case something comes up."

"It won't." Jane said under his breath as the two of them left. He was looking into Lisbon's office. The blinds were half drawn and he could see a man, a woman and a little girl in there. He recognised the man from the photos on Lisbon's desk, though in person William was a lot taller and his mop of brown hair a lot messier. He was pacing up and down the room, whilst his wife sat on the floor trying to pour all her worry into keeping their daughter distracted with dolls and colouring books.

"You don't know that." Van Pelt said.

"I know Red John. He's too smart to make it that easy. He won't be found unless he wants to be."

"You said yourself that because he's been forced to move his timeline up, he might have made some mistakes."

Jane turned round and gave her a sad smile. "I just said that to make you guys feel better."

Van Pelt's face darkened. "You need to have a little faith." She said angrily. "This is Lisbon we're talking about. You're acting like there's no hope."

Jane looked at her blankly.

"God Jane, you're not the only one who cares about her." She said, glaring at him before stalking back to her desk and starting to make calls. She was worried and stressed and Jane knew she was just masquerading positivity so she could be in denial of the reality. He wished he knew how to do that.

He walked into the kitchen. Someone had thought of pouring out coffee into Styrofoam cups to keep the agents refuelled and Jane grabbed two cups and knocked gently on Lisbon's office door before going in.

"Hi, I'm-"

"Patrick Jane." William finished for him. "Will Lisbon. Teresa mentions you a lot. Usually in connection with why she's got so much paperwork to get through before dinner." He added with an empty laugh, taking the coffee from Jane with a nervous nod. His face was full of hope and Jane realised it had been selfish of him to come in here without any good news to bring them.

"I'm Sophie." Will's wife said introducing herself. "And this is-"

"Emily." Jane said, crouching down next to little girl. He remembered because it was Lisbon's middle name. She was about five years-old and had the same murky-brown eyes as Lisbon. "I overheard your Aunt talking to you the other day."

Emily smiled shyly. "Where's Auntie Terri?"

Now Jane felt really out of his depth. Any platitudes he could come up with sounded so hollow when he didn't really believe them himself. He wondered how Lisbon managed to deal with victims' families so well. Being surrounded by so much concern and worry infiltrating his own was almost stifling. "We're going to find her and bring her back to you really soon." He said, forcing a smile and exchanging a look with Sophie.

"You are going to find her right?" Will said, in a low voice as the two of them moved to the other side of the office.

"The FBI and CBI have got everyone working on this." Jane said simply.

Will held his gaze for a minute and although he had never flinched at anything before, Jane found it almost painful to look Lisbon's brother in the eye.

"I'm a lawyer, I can read between the lines." Will started pacing the room again. "Teresa has this rule: we can talk about anything except work. It's not because she doesn't want to hear about my cases or Andrew's patients, it's because she doesn't want to talk about her job because she knows if she does, Andrew and I will regress into the brothers we were fifteen years ago when we tried to talk her out of joining the police. It was stupid really because it's the only thing she's ever wanted to do since our Mom died and I know she loves this job but ….." He paused. "She never talked about the Red John case but I read the papers like everyone else in California: is that bastard doing to her what he's done to all those other women?"

Jane looked at him and his mouth ran dry. He nodded slightly. "Probably."

"Oh God." Will said, pacing.

Jane took a breath. "If you know about the case then you'll also know that I'm the reason that this is happening to her."

Will gave him a sad look as if to absolve him of any blame. "Agent Minelli also told us that if anyone can help her, it's you."

Jane sat down on a chair wordlessly and looked down at Lisbon's necklace in his hands. All he could see was her face when they were in the basement at the farm and he told her that it wouldn't have mattered if Hardy had killed him and that she shouldn't be angry because there were some things that she couldn't fix. He knew that had hurt her more than all of the other thoughtless things he had said put together. But as much as he now wanted to take back any moment that had given her pain, he couldn't help but wish that Hardy _had_ killed him if it meant that none of this would be happening.

"It was our mother's you know." Will said, pointing at the cross as he stopped pacing for a minute and took a seat next to Jane. "Teresa didn't really believe in that stuff but she said if Mom believed then it was good enough for her."

"I'm sorry, you should have it." Jane said, holding it out to him.

Will shook his head. "Keep it. Looks like you need it more than me."

It was pathetic but it was probably true. His right index finger had gone numb from where he had wrapped the chain around his finger so tight.

"You know, after our parents died, Teresa basically brought us up. She would work two jobs during the day, come home to make dinner and make sure we did our homework and then she'd go to night classes. If it wasn't for her, my life and Andy's would have turned out so very differently. She has always been there for us and now-" Will paused. He was beginning to break down. "Now when she needs us the most, there's not a damn thing I can do to help her."

Jane looked at him, he saw his own fear, desperation and guilt mirrored in Will's face and in some sick and twisted way it brought him a small measure of comfort. Jane was struggling to think of something to say when Will's cell phone rang.

"It's Andrew. He's been calling every half-hour for updates and I have no idea what to tell him." Will said.

That was Jane's cue to leave. He knew that being in there with Lisbon's family was doing more harm than good. "Tell him that I will find her no matter what it takes." Jane said simply and gave Sophie a comforting smile before he walked out and into the bullpen again. Van Pelt was right, the wallowing and despair was not helping anyone. He had to do something, no matter how fruitless it might be.

"The evidence from Red John's farm has just been flown in from San Angelo." Van Pelt told him, covering the mouthpiece of her phone. She was still making calls, chasing down leads, defiant in the face of hopelessness. Lisbon would be proud of her.

"Has it been sorted?"

"Although _CSI_ would have you believe it's all processed almost instantly, it actually takes days and CSU has been busy with Lisbon's home. I think Minelli had a look through the inventory but nothing stood out."

"Pull all available agents. We need to go through it now." Jane said, downing two cups of god-awful coffee. He much preferred tea but he couldn't remember the last time he ate anything and he was no good to anyone running on fumes.

Van Pelt put down the phone and followed him. "You think there's something there?" She asked as they walked to the lab.

"I think that he took Jessica Thompson not just for his own perverse pleasure but to send a message. If this is all part of his game then we must be overlooking something."

They reached the lab. There were boxes stacked everywhere. Even with a dozen people, it could still take hours but there was nothing else to do. Everyone grabbed a box and started searching.

Jane was flicking his way through his hundredth book looking for clues between the pages when Van Pelt stood up from behind a pile of paperwork. "There's nothing here. Nothing in bank statements or receipts that indicate any connection with a mine."

"Have you checked his laptop?"

"Yes. There's nothing on there and nothing in his browser history. Either he or Hardy wiped it clean regularly or they had another computer."

"What's on there then?"

"Photos."

Jane read her expression and walked over. "Show me."

Van Pelt hesitated. "I've looked at them. Honestly, there's nothing that can help."

Jane opened the folder himself. There were photos documenting all of Red John's kills, including his wife and daughter. It had been a long time since he had looked at those crime scene photos and he felt the coffee churn in his stomach. Then he saw the ones at the bottom: they were surveillance photos of Lisbon coming home, out shopping, arriving at CBI, working a case…. Red John must have been following her on and off for months. Jane swore and slammed the laptop lid closed. How had they never considered the possibility that he was watching them?!

"Start on these boxes." He told Van Pelt, motioning to another pile. He knew she was shooting him worried glances but was grateful when she decided not to say anything. He felt he was about to snap and he didn't want her to suffer the brunt of his anger.

Boxes and boxes later and after dismissing several possible leads brought to him by other agents, Jane was searching through a toolbox, dreading to think what Red John had used the various tools for, when Van Pelt rushed over, clutching an old work shirt with a name sewn onto the front pocket.

"I think I've got it. Sutter Gold Mine. It's in the opposite direction to where the FBI are searching at the moment but it's about two hours from Sacramento along Highway 16. It has to be where he's keeping Lisbon."

Jane looked at her and nodded slightly but didn't say anything.

"What's wrong? This is the lead we've been looking for. We need to tell Minelli and head there now!"

"It's a trap." Jane said. It suddenly all made sense. "He wanted us to find the clue, he wanted us to narrow down the search parameters by taking Jessica. He wants us to know where he is."

"What's the point in that?" Van Pelt asked, confused. "With Hardy dead it's just him and he should know he hasn't got any hope against fifty federal agents unless ….." She trailed off. "Oh God...." She said as Jane pulled out a roll of copper wire from a box. "He's going to blow the place up."

**A/N:- Woah, I didn't realise how long this chapter had gotten until I re-read it. Hope you enjoy!**


	6. I'd Die For You

**Chapter Six: I'd Die For You**

_**Disclaimer: The plot's mine, just borrowing the rest.**_

**A/N:- "He loves you. How could he not?" Kinda says it all really. ;)**

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**_If you could see inside my heart  
Then you would understand  
I'd never mean to hurt you_  
_Baby I'm not that kind of man  
I'd die for you  
I'd cry for you  
If it came right down to me and you  
You know it's true …_  
**Bon Jovi – I'd Die For You**

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"And you're sure about this?" Minelli questioned.

"No, I'm not sure." Jane said, exasperatedly. They were in the bullpen surrounded by just about every agent in the building and Jane had just filled them in on Sutter Gold mine and the bomb. Cho and Rigsby were looking progressively more and more impatient, like they wanted to be out there breaking down doors and shooting things, rather than be in here having this discussion. "I'm not sure of anything any more apart from the fact it's been over 36 hours and if he hasn't killed her already, going by the blood in her apartment, she hasn't got long to live anyway."

"We're sending the helicopters over Sutter Creek but even if you're right, we still haven't got a feasible tactical plan. It's a mine, there'll be explosives everywhere anyway and we'd have, what, seconds to get in there, find the detonator or receiver and figure out how to diffuse it before the whole place is blown to high heaven."

"Don't we have people who do this kind of thing?" Rigsby demanded.

"The San Francisco Unit is deployed on assignment with the military and the next nearest is in LA."

"We can't wait that long." Van Pelt said, anxiously. She looked like she was going to throw up again.

"No we can't." Jane agreed. "But we have Agent Minelli here. You were in the bomb squad in the army weren't you? One of the best or so I hear."

"I was." Minelli said uncomfortably, like he knew where this was heading. "But that was years ago. You have no idea how many advances in the field there have been since then, not to mention the fact it has been over fifteen years since I diffused so much as a firework."

"But out of everyone here, you're our best shot?"

The room started buzzing and a group of agents started examining blueprints of the mine and formulating a plan of attack like the matter had been settled but Jane watched as Minelli took his hands out of his pocket and don the cloak of authority, as if he was preparing for a fight. He had seen the boss with this look on his face several times before, usually when Lisbon was defiantly squaring up to him to defend the actions of her team.

"Look Jane I want to save her as much as you do but this isn't just about Lisbon any more. I would have maybe a minute at most to make a decision that could result in the loss of over three dozen SWAT, FBI and CBI agents, including your friends and colleagues. I can't take that sort of risk: it's a suicide mission."

Jane glanced round the room. Everyone had quietened. Cho looked like he was about to intervene and say something heroic but irrational about how he and the other two would do whatever it takes to save Lisbon but clarity came to Jane first.

He looked back at Minelli. "Fine. Give me a gun."

"What?"

"I understand the difficult position you're in but I think we both know there is no way that I am not going and I think the least you can do is not send me in unarmed."

Minelli looked at him incredulously. "Jane did you not hear me? Did you not hear yourself? The second you enter he's going to press the button."

Jane continued, unperturbed. He had always known what he would do if it ever came down to this and even when faced with these terrible odds, he was unfazed. "I don't think you understand Virgil. I promised Lisbon that I would be there for her no matter what." He knew that she hadn't believed him when he had told her this during the Carnelian Inc. case but he had meant every word and he was going to prove it to her, even if it was the last thing he did. "And 'no matter what' covers this."

Minelli was shaking his head, trying to get him to see sense. "She wouldn't want you to do this."

Jane cleared his throat and stared him down. "Well, a lot of things have happened in the past couple of days that I'm pretty sure she didn't want."

There was silence. He knew what he was asking for wasn't rational and that he had put Minelli in a difficult position where protocol and his duty to his team conflicted with the affection he felt towards Lisbon.

"Fine." Minelli said finally, a mixture of fury and determination clouding his face. "Participation is voluntary." He said, turning away from Jane and addressing the rest of the room. "It is a high risk rescue mission and if you have doubts then step out now." The room was silent, no one left. Cho, Rigsby, Van Pelt and a few others were already starting to gear up. Minelli seemed almost disturbed by the amount of trust his people had in him. He turned to an agent. "Bring me all the possible blueprints and get me Agent Howard from the LAPD bomb squad on the phone. Everyone else get kitted up. We've got fifteen minutes to put together a tactical plan."

* * *

She didn't know whether she believed in heaven or hell but as the murkiness in her head cleared and the ability to think and feel came back, her one wish was that when she opened her eyes she would really be in a 'better place'. Lisbon had suffered through more than her fair share of tough times in her life but she had never understood until now how death could ever seem like the only option. The emotional repercussions of her father's suicide had always affected her more than the physical ones. Sure there were times when she resented having to bring up her brothers but she used to think that she would do all of that again and more if her father could just explain to her how he could have felt so low and so helpless that death and deserting the people he loved had been the better option. As she grudging crawled back to consciousness, she finally understood: for the first time in her life she wished she was dead.

Lisbon knew that he had injected her with something again because under normal circumstances no human being would regain consciousness with the pain she was in and the amount of blood she had lost. She also knew that her body would be trying to over-compensate and that if the bleeding and all the internal injuries weren't going to kill her then it was only a matter of time before her body went into shock and started shutting down. If there had been a weapon within reach, she wasn't entirely sure that she wouldn't have put herself out of this misery right now.

"You're naïve Teresa, so very very naïve."

Lisbon opened her eyes and experiencing a warped déjà-vu, she saw him standing in front of her with a knife pressed to Jessica's neck. Again, she automatically wanted to tell him to stop, to let her go but this time she couldn't even form the words.

"You really think that if you suffered and took the beatings, she would get out of here alive? I'm disappointed, I thought you knew me better than that." His eyes narrowed, as if something had just occurred to him. "Then again maybe you did know that and what you did was actually selfish because someone like you would suffer any amount of pain just to be able to die with a clear conscience. Interesting …. You know Teresa, I've learnt more about you in these few hours than in all the months I spent surveilling you. You're tragically heroic." The corners of his mouth curved into a smile. "And it's only fair that every hero gets their reward."

Lisbon watched as he moved the knife away from Jessica's neck and then cowered as he plunged the knife into the girl's stomach and then arms, legs, chest …….. she barely had time to bury her head in her knees in a vain attempt to convince herself this was all a nightmare, before arterial spray splashed across the room.

After what seemed like an eternity of hearing human flesh and bone struck by a knife repeatedly, the sound of Red John's killing frenzy stopped and breathing heavily, he walked over and forced her to sit up and look at him. All the lights in the room had been switched on and the brightness hurt her eyes but she could see that there was blood everywhere: on the walls, on the floors, soaked into his clothing and dripping from his hands. It was like she was living through every single crime scene she had ever processed simultaneously. She gagged.

"He's coming for you Teresa, even though he knows it's suicide. He's coming anyway, just like I knew he would. It's time to prepare for the grand finale." Red John said, standing over what looked like a small laptop, looking very pleased with himself.

He? Was he talking about Jane? What did he mean 'suicide'? What could he possibly do to her that he hadn't already?

As if in answer to her unspoken question, he walked towards her, a huge grin on his face. She blinked. It seemed like there was two of him and his face was flitting in and out of focus repeatedly as her brain began to play tricks on her. She was slowly losing her tenuous hold on consciousness. "I'm sorry it has to end like this. You and I could have had a lot more fun together." He said, showing her the detonator in his hands. It was then that she realised that even after everything he had put her through, she still knew what it was like to feel terrified.

**A/N:- Next up are the two chapters I am most apprehensive (and excited) about writing. :S Thank you to all of you who have reviewed so far, I'm always appreciative of feedback.  
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	7. New York Minute, Part One

**Chapter Seven: New York Minute, Part One**

_**Disclaimer: The plot's mine, just borrowing the rest.**_

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**Lying here in the darkness  
I hear the sirens wail …_

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_

"You see that?" Minelli said, signalling to an image on the laptop screen. "That's the infra red photo taken by the FBI helicopter. My guess is that it's the bomb." He said pointing to an orange square. "It's armed, which probably means he knows we're coming."

"He won't detonate it until we've found Lisbon." Jane said.

Minelli glanced at him. "I hope you're right for all our sakes."

"I am right. It's his game. He'll want to see it play out to the very end."

"There's only two bodies." Cho said, as the next photo came onto the screen. "One walking and one by the wall."

"And one on the floor." Rigsby corrected.

"It's a lighter colour than the rest. Does that mean -" Van Pelt started.

"Yes." Minelli said grimly, putting away the computer.

"What if it's-"

"It's not." Rigsby said touching her arm comfortingly and looking nervously at Jane.

He was at breaking point and the others knew it. He had spent the whole drive here running through the blueprints in his head as a way to keep himself calm. He looked ahead. They were still half a mile away but he could make out the derelict mine buildings shrouded in darkness. Although he couldn't see them, he knew the SWAT team were getting into position, making sure they had every possible exit covered before Minelli gave the order to go in.

"Okay, the signal blocker will block radio waves in and out of the area for a maximum of three minutes, hopefully by which time the bomb will have been disabled. That means for three minutes you'll be on your own with no radio communication. I don't want anyone to do anything stupid. Our priority is to disarm the bomb and find Agent Lisbon. Jane, are you listening to me?" Minelli said sternly.

"I get it. Don't be stupid." He said, pacing.

"You're to wait until SWAT clears the room before going in, do you understand?"

"I understand." Jane replied because it's exactly what Minelli needed to hear. "Are we ready yet?" He was agitated, like a dog straining at the leash. If he wasn't sure a dozen agents would stop him he would run and break down the door himself.

Minelli nodded, did a final check of his equipment and then ordered everyone to get ready.

Jane followed about a dozen agents as they moved down into the valley and taking their position behind the SWAT team.

"Right, everyone ready?" Minelli said quietly. "On my count…….."

They kicked down the door. Once inside, everyone spread out checking the deserted rooms above ground whilst Jane and the team followed a couple of SWAT agents downstairs into the basement and then down into a tunnel. This was where the miners had basically lived. It was a maze with an endless number of empty cloakrooms, storerooms and mess rooms branching off from it. Jane knew it would take them forever to check them all, even when he was sure that Lisbon was in none of these. He left the group and ignoring Cho's frantic whispers telling him to hang back, he ran down the tunnel. The adrenaline caused him to surge forwards, shining his torch into every open doorway looking for any signs of life. It was only when he was at the very end of the tunnel that he finally saw the stream of light pouring out from under a closed door. Without even thinking about it, he pushed the door open.

The glare of the light blinded him and he struggled to focus. There was blood everywhere. He saw the body on the ground. Jessica Thompson.

Then he saw Him standing in the middle of the room at the edge of an open trapdoor. As their eyes locked, Jane was gripped by the feeling of familiarity. He was the barista who had served him coffee a few months ago, the guy handing out newspapers on the street, a witness at a crime scene …. he had been so close all this time. Watching, waiting, taunting him.

Red John glanced at the doorway. He could hear the SWAT team running down the tunnel towards them.

"What's it going to be mister Jane, me or her?" He sneered, taking a step to the side and revealing Lisbon behind him lying in a pool of red.

Jane felt the blood drain from his face.

Red John grinned at his reaction, and showed him the detonator in his hand before disappearing down the trapdoor.

Jane didn't even think about following him. He ran across the room and knelt down next to her. "It's okay Lisbon. It's going to be okay." She was pale, so so pale and was struggling to remain conscious. With the amount of blood she had lost it was a wonder she was still alive.

"Bomb." She mouthed.

"It's okay, we know." He said, taking off his jacket and putting it around her. He looked down. Her clothes were absolutely saturated with blood and with all the wounds and bruises it was almost impossible to see where it was all coming from.

She clutched his arm and tried to speak. "Gekwje." Blood was starting to ooze from the corners of her mouth.

"Shhh, just breathe. You're going to be okay." He said holding her.

"Go. Get him." She whispered with an effort.

Jane looked at her, one hand pressing down on her wound, the other one cradling her face, begging her to hold on. He could see her slowly slipping away from him. "I'm right where I need to be."

She looked at him blankly and then her eyes closed and she went limp in his arms.

To Jane, everything just stopped.

His body froze up and went numb like it was physically refusing to believe what was happening. He heard Van Pelt shout for help and felt Rigsby and Cho pull him away from Lisbon so the paramedics could do their jobs. He saw the SWAT team huddled over the trap door and Minelli entering the room, the relief from managing to diffuse the bomb wiped off his face as he caught sight of Lisbon.

Jane was only vaguely aware of Rigsby clutching his arm and leading him outside moments later. Everything was blurry, like there were tears in his eyes hindering his vision and when they reached the open air they began to sting. The place was swarming with law enforcement agents all shouting different orders to each other and the noise of the helicopter hovering above was almost deafening. So much was going on around him but it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. He watched helplessly as they loaded Lisbon into the ambulance whilst an EMT did CPR.

Cho ran up, breathless. "We think we found the exit of his escape tunnel. We've just seen a car speed off. You coming?"

The paramedic was shocking her with the paddles now but the screen still showed her flat-lining. She was dying, she was actually there dying right in front of him. "I need-" Jane paused, it was like he had forgotten how to speak. "I need to be here with her." As he watched the paramedics struggle to save her life, everything else, all the anger and his blood-thirsty desire for revenge seemed to be put on hold. He was in shock.

Cho nodded. Jane heard him say something as he helped him into the ambulance but it was all just noise to him. It was like he was stuck replaying that moment in the basement when her heart stopped beating. From the moment he knew Red John had taken her, he knew he had to expect the worse but now he was actually here experiencing it, he realised that deep down he had been in just as much denial as Van Pelt. Seeing Lisbon like this rocked him to the core.

The ambulance sped down the road, sirens blaring, and as Jane watched the flat line move across the heart monitor, he gripped Lisbon's necklace a little tighter and did something he had never done before: he prayed.

* * *

… _Somebody going to emergency  
Somebody's going to jail…_  
**Don Henley – New York Minute**

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	8. New York Minute, Part Two

**Chapter Eight: New York Minute, Part Two**

_**Disclaimer: The plot's mine, just borrowing the rest.**_

**A/N:- You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for your nice reviews. To those of you who review without an account, sorry that I can't reply but know that I'm always grateful for your support!**

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**_Men get lost sometimes  
As years unfurl  
One day he crossed some line  
And he was too much in this world  
But I guess it doesn't matter any more…_

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Jane stood in the middle of the ER. Nurses were talking at him but he was impervious to their useless words of meaningless comfort. Everywhere he looked, all he could see was Lisbon covered in blood. Not breathing.

He turned around in a daze and saw William running down the corridor towards him.

"How is she?" He stopped and looked at horror at the blood covering Jane's hands and clothes.

"She stopped breathing. Her heart, it stopped." The words were coming out of his mouth but it was like someone else was saying them.

Suddenly Minelli appeared in front of him and he led them both to the waiting room. "They've taken her to surgery." Jane heard him tell William. "They're doing everything they can."

Jane collapsed into a chair and stared down at his bloody hands. His clothes were soaked through with blood. Her blood.

"Jane, I need you to listen to me." Minelli was in front of him again, crouching down to be at his eye level. "You did everything you could. There's nothing you can do for Teresa now."

He felt dead inside. He thought about who he had been before Red John, before he had met Lisbon, and how if he believed in Karma then this would surely be the universe's way of punishing him for the hubristic money-making bastard he had been years ago.

"Cho found his getaway car abandoned on the highway. Can you think of anywhere he would go now?"

His mind was blank. He wanted to tell Minelli to stop talking. For the first time in years he just didn't care about the chase anymore. He was just trying to find something left in this world he could cling onto.

"Jane, are you okay? Are you with me?"

Jane finally looked at him.

"Look, you need to focus. Focus for Lisbon. She would want you to catch the son-of-a-bitch, okay?"

Jane nodded, anger was slowly starting to pull him out of his stupor.

Minelli looked at him worriedly. "Right, we'll go get you cleaned up and some fresh clothes and then we'll meet the others."

* * *

Thirty minutes later they pulled into the highway lay-by where Red John's car had been abandoned. There were at least ten agents pacing the area, all with cell phones plastered to their ears, checking traffic cameras and putting out BOLOs.

Jane watched them all silently. It was going to end today, it was all going to end today.

Van Pelt, Rigsby and Cho rushed up to him before he had even got out of the car.

"How is she?" Van Pelt asked anxiously.

"She's in surgery." Minelli said.

"That's good, right?" Rigsby said, looking at Jane. "It's a good thing that she's stable enough to have surgery?"

Jane walked away from the group towards the abandoned car. He felt like he was at breaking point and if he stopped even for a minute to think about Lisbon, he would start to unravel completely and Red John's victory would be complete.

"She's in a bad way." Minelli answered for him. "The doctors are doing everything they can."

"Did you find anything in the car?" Jane interrupted. The red-tainted fog in his head began to clear.

"He left this on the windshield." Cho said, handing him an evidence bag. Inside was a piece of Bach piano music: "Well-Tempered Clavier, Book 1, Prelude in C major."

"I know where he is." Jane said, handing it back and walking back to the car. The final pieces of Red John's twisted puzzle were falling into place and he knew exactly what he had to do.

"Where?"

"He's at Rosalind's house." He said, walking back to the car, expecting the others to follow him but they didn't move. "When Lisbon and I interviewed her she said that his favourite music was Bach." He explained.

"It's too easy." Van Pelt frowned. "It must be a trap or it's a red herring to divert our attention whilst he makes his escape."

"No, he'll be there. A narcissist like him could not just go into hiding and spend the rest of his life looking over his shoulder. Hurting Lisbon, making it personal to me was always going to be his final move. Now Rosalind's just a loose end plus I don't suppose he's too happy with her since she's the one who started the beginning of the end for him by telling us about Hardy." He spoke hurriedly, wishing the others could just take him at his word.

"I'm with Van Pelt." Minelli said. "If one of the smartest and most prolific serial killers on the West coast leaves such an easy clue like that, it must be because there's another bomb waiting for us."

Jane shook his head exasperatedly. "No, he's done playing games like that. He needs to have the satisfaction of seeing me face-to-face and gloating. It's the moment he's been waiting for all along. Trust me, he'll be there."

Minelli sighed just like Lisbon did when she knew he was going to along with his plan with or without her. "Get in the car. I'll get some undercover agents to stakeout the house until we get there."

* * *

They parked a couple of blocks away from Rosalind's house and stood huddled on the sidewalk as a team of police officers went door to door to clear the area.

Jane was pacing and everyone gave him a wide berth. He didn't even need to be able to read their faces to know that no one knew what to say to him anymore. With the state he was in, words were meaningless and that was why he was getting more and more agitated that the others were still wasting time by arguing over a plan.

"The FBI say that there's no obvious signs of there being explosive devices in the house." Minelli said closing his cell phone and tossing it back into the car.

"So what's our best option?" Rigsby asked. "Storm the place and hope he's not using the woman as a hostage?"

"Well, the one thing we don't have, which we would usually do in this situation, is the element of surprise."

"Maybe if we got SWAT to-"

Jane couldn't take it any more. He marched over to them. "Let me go in alone." He demanded.

"No." Minelli said sternly.

"This is my fight. Let me."

"I know you know Lisbon wouldn't want you to do this." Minelli said calmly. "I'm not going to let you walk in there and let anger and revenge blind you to everything else. You think I want to be there at Lisbon's hospital bed when she wakes up telling her that I just stood by and let you get yourself killed?"

"How do you know she's even going to wake up?" The words slipped out before he could stop them.

Minelli's face darkened and he reached forward and grabbed Jane's shoulders and shoved him against the SUV. "Don't say that. Don't even think it."

There was silence. The others looked shocked.

Jane flinched slightly at the pain searing up his back but in a perverse way, he welcomed it. Jane took a breath and looked away from Minelli's angry gaze. "You don't understand, I need to do this."

"No. What you need to do is calm down. You cannot go in there blaming yourself for what happened to your family and to Lisbon because that is exactly what he wants and I know you Jane, the last thing you want to do is give him what he wants."

"He's already got what he wants. He had me exactly where he wanted me from the second he laid a hand on Lisbon."

"You're not the only one personally involved in this any more. Look at all these people here. We all want revenge, we all care about Lisbon."

"Not in the same way as I do." Jane said quietly. He blinked. His eyes felt wet. "You don't carry around the same guilt."

Minelli stepped closer. He looked furious but whether it was with himself or with him, Jane didn't know. "You think we would be in this position if I hadn't convinced her that having you join her team was a good thing? Funny thing though guilt, it doesn't mean we can go back and change what happened."

What had Minelli once said to him?

"_Jane, you close cases. You close like a fiend, so I tolerate you and I protect you and I let you make Lisbon's life a misery. But there is a line... there is a line and when you cross it I will protect myself and this unit and I will throw you to the wolves."_

"You don't want to see what I'm capable of doing. Trust me, it's better if I'm in there alone." He said, lowering his voice.

Minelli glared at him, refusing to back down. "This isn't about him or what you want to do to him. This is about you. You're going in with backup or you're not going in at all. That's the deal Jane. Take it or leave it."

Jane looked away, clenching and unclenching his fists. "Fine." He said at last. "Fine." It wasn't fine but for the first time ever there was no way he was going to be able to trick or manipulate his way into getting what he wanted.

Whilst everyone else were checking their weapons and putting on their vests, Cho reached into the glove compartment of the SUV and pulled out a gun. He put in a new clip and then handed it to Jane. "You do what you gotta do." He said impassively.

Jane looked down at the gun in his hands and then at Minelli and the others but they had all turned away and looking like they hadn't heard anything. _Do what you gotta do. _When he looked back up, Cho had already walked away and was giving instructions to the tactical unit.

Five minutes later they silently made their way down the street to Rosalind's house. Jane, Minelli, Van Pelt, Cho and Rigsby waited by the front door for the other team to get in place round the back. Then Cho opened the front door and everyone froze for a split second like they half expected there to be an explosion but when nothing happened, they ran in and headed into the living room.

Rosalind was slumped over the piano. Her blood was dripping onto the keys and forming a pool at her feet. Next to her on the stool sat Red John, the knife he used to kill her was resting on the piano in front of him. He was eerily calm and didn't even blink as the team fanned out, taking their positions around the room. Instead, he smiled and fixed his gaze on Jane.

"About time. I was beginning to think you weren't going to come Mister Jane." He leered. "You know, that was quite a risk you took back there at the mine. Agent Lisbon must really mean a lot to you. But then again I already knew that." He added with a smirk.

Jane raised his gun and pointed it at him. With every passing minute, Jane remembered another place he had seen him, another chance he missed to take the bastard down before he got his hands on Lisbon. The anger coursing through his body was causing his ears to thud and he fought back the impulse to drop the gun and just run over there and start pummelling him with his bare hands.

Red John laughed as if he could read his thoughts. "Yes, I had fun with Teresa. She really is a special woman. I like to think I left her with just enough life in her for her to say her goodbyes ….. Kind of makes it even more painful than walking into a room to find her throat already slit, doesn't it?"

"She's not dead." Jane spat.

He shrugged. "Not yet. Anyway, death would probably be more merciful than living with what I did to her. You know when I stood over your wife, the last thing I saw in her eyes was fear. With Teresa it was defiance and then acceptance. Just think how bad it must have been for the impervious Agent Lisbon to just give up." He stood up and walked to the side of the piano so that the knife was within reaching distance. Everyone in the room tensed. "If by some miracle she actually survives this, you have no idea how much satisfaction it is to know that every time she looks at you, all she'll see is me."

Jane flinched. He could see his wife and daughter and Lisbon standing in front of him, slowly bleeding out and looking at him accusingly. He wanted to scream at Red John to shut up but he knew he was goading him. In the final act of his sinister little game, Red John wanted Jane to shoot him and pull him down to his level and for once Jane didn't care that he would be giving him what he wanted. He needed to pull the trigger. He needed to feel that release that could only come with destroying the person who had destroyed him. This is what he wanted, what he had always wanted. This was the one thing that had driven him over the past six years.

"What you don't realise Mister Jane, is that not only have I destroyed everything you had by killing your wife and daughter, I've totally destroyed anything you could possibly have had in the future. And to think you didn't realise you still had so much to lose until I took her. You were as blind as dear Rosalind here. Your whole world was revolving around me when it should have been all about her."

Jane gripped the gun tighter and tried to shut him out. He had thought about this moment a lot and all of the different ways it could play out. What he would do if he got to be with Red John alone before Lisbon showed up? What would he do if she was in the room with him? What would he do if she managed to arrest him before he could get his revenge? What if she threatened to shoot him before he could hurt Red John? He hadn't considered a scenario where she wasn't here at the end of all things.

"You could have walked away, admitted defeat and stopped trying to find me. You could have stopped this all from happening. You could have stopped obsessing over me like she asked you to but you didn't listen."

Jane could feel the sweat dripping down his face. The adrenaline was causing his hands to shake and it was an effort to hold the gun steady. He was so angry that he felt like he was being possessed by something else and out of control.

"_You'd be dead."_

"_But you would have Red John."_

He blinked. He felt like he was back there, down in the basement and she was standing there in front of him but instead of her looking at him accusingly and saying that to him, he was the one saying it to her. "You'd be dead." "But you would have Red John." She replied. He blinked again. Suddenly a series of images were dancing around him. The day he met his wife, their wedding, the day his daughter was born, the day he met Lisbon, the way she smiled at him embarrassed at the thought he could read her thoughts, the look on her face when she saw the pony, the way she smiled, the way she laughed, the way she smelt, how he felt when she accidentally brushed up against him …..

Red John inched forward slightly and his hand hovered centimetres above the knife. Jane knew he was forcing his hand.

"Take him down Jane before he hurts someone else." Cho said from behind him.

"You're a coward Mister Jane. After everything I've done to people you love, you still can't do the one thing you've said you wanted to do all of these years. You have me exactly where you want me, your colleagues want me dead just as much as you, what could possibly be stopping you?"

Jane stared at him. There was silence. All he could hear was himself breathing heavily and his heart thudding in his chest. This was it: the moment six years in the making.

"What's it going to take Mister Jane? Do you want to hear how I stabbed Teresa over and over again or the noise she made as her ribs cracked …"

Jane pulled the trigger.

* * *

… _What the head makes cloudy  
The heart makes very clear…_  
**Don Henley – New York Minute**

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	9. Easier To Run

**Chapter Nine: Easier To Run**

_**Disclaimer: The plot's mine, just borrowing the rest.**_

**A/N:- I can't believe we're actually here at the final chapter. I've never completed such a long multi-chaptered fic before so thank you for sticking with me. I guess it was a bit foolish to start by tackling the Red John story since no doubt as the series progresses and the convoluted RJ story deepens on the show, my amateur take on it will seem more and more pathetic. Thank you for reading!**

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**_Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past  
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have  
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back_  
_And never moving forward so there'd never be a past.  
It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here …_  
**Linkin Park – Easier To Run**

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They say that in life everyone has one defining moment. For a long time Jane thought that his moment was when he stood over the dead bodies of his wife and child and stared at his reflection in the mirror.

It wasn't until the noise of the shot echoed round the room and Red John fell to the ground that he realised that this was it, this was his defining moment. Everything in his life from now on would be shaped by that one decision.

He staggered back and watched as the others ran forward surrounding the body on the ground.

"Get an EMT in here." Minelli shouted before turning round and looking at Jane.

Jane stared at him blankly and then his gaze dropped to Red John who was curled up, clutching his shoulder.

"You should have killed me, you coward." He seethed before exploding in a tirade of expletives.

"Death's too good for you." Rigsby said pressing a cloth against Red John's shoulder as Cho pulled him to his feet and handcuffed him before letting the paramedics take over.

Jane blinked. The pounding in his head was gradually escalating to a dull roar.

"Are you okay?" Van Pelt asked, appearing next to him, holstering her gun. "Jane, are you okay?" She repeated, touching his arm.

He jumped and felt his whole body beginning to shake. "I need some air." He told her, handing her the weapon. Then he ran out of the house, across the back yard and into the middle of the adjoining field until he was sure he was out of earshot before throwing up.

And then he began to scream.

He screamed with frustration, anger, guilt, regret, sadness and everything that was torturing him on the inside.

Now that Red John was in custody, it didn't change anything. He had still won. He had still ruined his life and destroyed the people he cared about.

He wanted to go back in and strangle him with his bare hands, he wanted to physically erase him from existence ….

And at the same time he wanted this one act to restore balance to the universe. He wanted his sacrifice to mean Lisbon would be okay. He wanted to look into her eyes and know that he had made the right choice, although it might not feel like it at the moment.

And then when his throat was hoarse and he could scream no more, he sank down onto his knees and cried.

* * *

Two hours later everyone was back at the hospital. Lisbon was still in surgery and even though none of them had slept in days, they had all dismissed Minelli's tentative suggestion that they go and get some rest. The sheer exhaustion was beginning to show now that the adrenaline had worn off. William, Sophie and Emily were huddled in a corner resting and Van Pelt was dozing on Rigsby's shoulder whilst Minelli was outside trying to hold off the hordes of journalists.

Cho, Jane and Rigsby were sitting in silent vigil. Jane had not said anything to anyone since he had handed his gun to Van Pelt but now they were in the hospital with nothing to think of except Lisbon, he could tell all the silence was just a buffer until either Cho or Rigsby found the guts to broach the question he knew was just waiting to be asked.

"Where did you learn to pull off a shot like that?" Rigsby said, at last.

"Guess it was his lucky day. I was aiming for his head." Jane lied.

His attempt at humour was badly timed and there was a heavy silence.

Cho turned to him. "Don't try saying 'killing him would have been giving him what he wanted' bullshit. All you've ever talked about is your desire for revenge and what you were going to do to him when the time came. You had the opportunity and more than that, we all saw him reaching for the knife."

"Honestly Jane, with the way he was goading you and talking about Lisbon like that, I would have emptied my clip into him." Rigsby said. "In fact, I wish I had."

It seemed like they were blaming him, like they had been counting on him to get vengeance for what their boss had been through and were disappointed he hadn't made the most of the opportunity. "You really want to know why I didn't kill him?" They nodded. He took a deep breath. "Lisbon wouldn't want me to. And after everything …" He paused and looked down at his hands. He thought back to the last thing she had said to him in the car as they drove back from San Angelo. "I owed her this."

Just then the door opened and the doctor came in. William woke up and walked up to him nervously. "How is she?"

"She's out of surgery but she's lost a lot of blood and we nearly lost her again when she was on the table. She's in pretty bad shape but we managed to repair the damage as best we can and if she regains consciousness in the next twenty-four hours and can breathe without the help of a ventilator then there's a chance she might pull though."

"Might?" Jane said, standing up.

He was tense and agitated again and the doctor looked at him almost apologetically. "We've done all we can; now all we can do is wait and let Teresa do the rest."

* * *

The ICU was strictly 'family only' but William had taken Sophie and Emily to a hotel to get some rest for a couple of hours and Jane had dug to the bottom of his soul to drag up some of his charismatic charm to get the nurses to bend the rules for him.

He sat by Lisbon's bed, his gaze drifting back and forth from the heart monitor to her pale, unresponsive face. He knew from a brief glance at her chart that it was nothing short of a miracle that she had made it this far.

He put his hand on top of hers and pulled his chair closer. There were so many things he wanted to say to her and so many things he had said in the past that he wanted to take back but he couldn't find the words. What do you say to someone whose life you had just destroyed?

"I'm sorry." His voice echoed around the room and the words sounded even weaker and more pathetic aloud than they did in his head. "I'm sorry" wouldn't erase what she had gone through or ease the pain she would be feeling every day for the foreseeable future. He had always thought that the day Red John was dealt with would be the day his nightmare would begin to come to an end and the realisation that the nightmare for her was just beginning made him sick to the stomach.

He didn't think it was possible to feel more guilt than the load he had been carrying around for the past six years and yet here he was so completely overwhelmed that it felt like the pain had been multiplied tenfold.

He wiped his eyes on his sleeve and gulped in some air. It came as a shock to him but he realised with startling clarity that if he could turn back time, he would willingly walk away and stop chasing Red John because nothing, _nothing_, not even the closure that could only come from hunting down his wife and daughter's murderer, was worth what Lisbon had just been through. He would rather live with the pain of unfinished business hanging over him than feel what he was feeling now.

Suddenly he felt her hand move and then Lisbon started choking on her breathing tube. Before he could call for help, the on-call nurse rushed in and pulled it out, replacing it with an oxygen mask.

Then the doctor came in and looked over her chart. "It's good to have you back with us, Agent Lisbon."

Lisbon looked confused and scared and the nurse had to gently force her to lie down again.

"Don't worry, you're going to be okay. Just rest." The doctor said, injecting something into her IV before turning to Jane. "She's still very weak so I've given her a sedative so she can sleep. You've got a couple of minutes before she's out of it."

Jane nodded and clutched Lisbon's hand. "Hey. You gave us all quite a scare." He said, sitting down on the edge of her bed. Lisbon stared at him and tried to speak but Jane stopped her. "It's okay, it's all over. We've got him. He's in the hospital ward at Folsom State Prison, hopefully in a lot of pain."

She closed her eyes for a second and swallowed. Then she reached up and moved her Oxygen mask off for a bit. "You," she started. Her voice was dry and weak. "should've killed him." She said, forcing a smile.

"Yeah, well, I didn't need another reason for you to be mad at me." He said, treating her to a grin. He reached forward and moved the hair out of her eyes. He couldn't believe she was there talking with him now when she had been so close to dying in his arms earlier. "You're going to be okay Teresa."

She smiled at him weakly and placed her hand over his. "Thank you."

After everything that had happened he couldn't believe she was lying there thanking him but before he could say anything, her eyes closed and drowsiness took over. Jane put the mask back on her and waited until she was fast asleep before leaving.

He was just coming out of the room when he saw Will rushing down the corridor.

"She woke up? The doctor said she woke up?"

"Yes she woke up and is breathing by herself. The doctor gave her something and she's asleep now."

"Thank God."

Jane smiled at the relief on his face. "You should stay with her, I'm going now."

"Yeah, you look like you need the sleep."

Jane forced a smile. He didn't think he'd be able to sleep tonight. "Give Teresa this when she wakes up." He said, pressing Lisbon's gold cross and chain into his hand. "She'll want it back."

William looked at it and nodded slightly. "Why don't you give it back to her yourself tomorrow?"

Jane didn't say anything to that. He knew what he had to do no matter how difficult it might be. "Take care of her Will." He said and then in one of the hardest moments of all, he walked away.

_Fin._

**A/N:- I know the show has led us to believe that when the showdown happens either Red John or Jane (or both) are going to end up dead but I knew for various plot reasons, the one thing I didn't want Jane to do was kill him so I tried to create a situation in which he made a conscious choice not to exact his revenge – it's not that he didn't want to but there were other factors in play, namely stemming from the first chapter and the gradual realisation of what Lisbon meant to him and what she would have wanted. As to the ending, I know a lot of you would have preferred something a little fluffier but I am trying to keep this vaguely in character and I honestly believe that he would have walked away (for a lot of reasons), and anything a little less bittersweet seemed forced. However, this does leave the way for a possible sequel…….**

**Once again thank you for all your support and feedback. :)**


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